Happiness By Giving Thanks

The radical contingency of all created being reveals all is but a gift. Gifts are to be enjoyed; they are to be rejoiced in. The child who receives a bike from his father takes great delight, and the husband who receives his wife takes much satisfaction. But like all contingent gifts, the will is not quenched and vexation stirs in the hearts of men. The bike no longer is rejoiced in and the husband whines in his perceived neglect. To avoid the vexation men cling to the created gift with great voracity, thereby reducing the gift to a possession: a thing to be consumed. Rather than enjoying the gift, the possession brings anxiety by being used in the wrong way. The gift is never intended to be the end, but merely a means to reveal something else. The bike being a gift and the wife giving herself are in fact signs to the child and the husband of a greater good: a loving person.

The child who goes beyond the gift and sees the act of love is able to always find enjoyment in the bike. The bike will never fail to give satisfaction because it is an icon to his father’s generosity. The husband with eyes to see will perceive through the vail of physicality an expression of his wife’s self-giving. Seen in such a light, the pleasure of sexuality can never be merely in the physical.  Thus, it is of no wonder why the gift brings no satisfaction when treated like a possession, for it is robbed of its splendor. The bike might as well have been stolen and the sex might as well been paid for.

But who can truly give thanks for a stolen bike or paid sex? Imagine a child sending a thank you card to the family whose bike he just stole. Such a gestured would be insulting. A man saying thanks to the women he just used is plain demeaning and sick. Yet, when the bike or sex is seen as an act of love and, therefore, as a gift, the natural response is gratitude. Part of the enjoyment of the gift is in giving thanks. Feelings of thankfulness are truly wonderful to the humble of heart, for the humble see their dependency and incompleteness, whereas the prideful disdain the giving of others for it undermines their independency and totality.  The prideful are thus condemned to a life of misery, for they will never see anything as a gift but only as a possession. They will refuse to see the act of love, for this “reduces” them to the leave of recipient.

However, since the radical contingency of all created being reveals all is but a gift, the truly humble will find great satisfaction in this life. All will not be vanity and chasing after the wind, for the humble will not cling to the gift like a possession, but will enjoy it with grateful hearts. The humble will see the love underlining the created gift. At first this vision will be dim, for the human nature possess a virus weakening the soul’s ability to see, but with the cure of grace and repeated acts of giving thanks, the vision will be made clear. It will also be by continual acts of thanks that the humble will prevent themselves from the misery of the prideful, for even after grace as cured the virus, the damage left is still in need of repair. The tendency towards treating the gift as a possession is ever present in the human heart. Cling is what humans do, but is in detaching themselves from the possessions by acts of thanks that brings freedom to see and enjoy the gift as sign of pure love.

 Thus we can establish a principle of action to guild us to happier lives by daily giving thanks to all who give.

The Effects of Divorce on Children and Parents

The link below directs you to a review of Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee’s best selling book, “Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce” for Thriving Couples Blog:

http://thrivingcouples.com/2011/07/20/the-effects-of-divorce-on-children-and-parents/

How Jealously Often Leads to Silliness

Imagine being at the dawn of civilization when you were still gathering and hauling provisions with the use of only your arms.  Being forty-five and tired, one day, while carrying a few pieces of oak to burn, you see in the distance what looks to be a giant dog (really a horse) with a wheeled-box attached to its back by two rods and some rope. By a fasten-chair on front of the box is sitting a jolly-o, heavy-set gentlemen singing the latest poems uttered by the priestly-class-chores.  As the oversize dog and man approach closer, you notice the box overflowing with firewood at lest 60 arms full.  jealously and envy fill your heart, as you look in awe and amazement to the ingenuity of this chubby man, while simultaneously recollecting the lesson from the Cain and Able story, lest you murder this man on the spot.

This is how I imagine the average person experiences the first pickup truck. Well, I guess it isn’t the first pickup per se, but the function of the horse and cart is the same as a pickup. Mankind needs for something else to do its hard work. We simply lack the strength horses’ posses to pull large amounts of raw materials to strategic locations. No matter how well trained a dozen men are at pulling the royal carriage, they simply lack the grace and beauty of the Clydesdale horses gliding through the streets with the precious cargo, as portrayed in the Budweiser ads. A wheelbarrow is about all a human can manage, and even here, notice he is still using technology to do his labor.

In April 1925, the Ford Model T Runabout is the fist pickup to officially put the horse and cart out of popular usage. These trucks are simply for utility, lacking all flares. I imagine, and here I am only speculating, if a young fellow is wanting to impress a girl, the worse possible advice he should follow is to boast confidently about his pickup truck and all its usage: “Yeah … I can fit about 4 dozen chickens in this baby.” Such a move is not going to get the desired first kiss.   If in doubt about this, try showing up at your next first date with an Ups truck, and talk about all the different types of boxes you can haul. I bet you’ll really wow her!

If you have never had the opportunity to go to a car show, I suggest you do. To see the old cars and trucks restored is a pretty awesome experience. I know nothing about cars or trucks, but I do pride myself, as much as I can, at knowing a good looking truck verses a piece of crap. Beauty is a transcendental, portraying itself in all man’s crafts.  A hammer, if made with the right materials and assembled in the right way is most assuredly a piece of art. Likewise, a pickup truck, while best used when loaned out to move some else’s refrigerator, can also have the dazzle to awe its owner and cause the precipitation of drool in bystanders. Yet, it can’t be just any model of pickup to have such an affect; just as it can’t be any hammer. It isn’t possible for a 1989 Chevy pickup to ever look as delightful as the 1957 Chevy pickup. Restoring a 1989 Chevy pickup is like restoring a medal-folding chair in your closet. Some things are best decomposing.

Yet, some people might feel differently about this than me. I can imagine some pimply faced, small town 17 year old named Bobby thinking it is the coolest thing sense baseball cards to restore a 1989 Chevy pickup. After watch an MTV show about “pimping” a car, Bobby drops five grand in new flashy rims, hydraulics, and tinted windows, while spending another grand on a stereo system blaring Eminem.  Pulling up to the town square on a Friday night in his newly decked out pickup truck, he wonders why people are laughing and calling him “that guy”. You see, no matter how much money you put into a 1989 Chevy pickup, it will never result in others desiring your presence.  Bobby’s whole project is like pimping out a Chevrolet Corsica. No gangster would ever dream of doing it. In this case, Bobby should have just stopped at coveting the car on MTV. But by him attempting to pimp out a 1989 Chevy pickup, he acts like many of you did at the dawn of civilization when after seeing the jolly-o gentlemen pass by, you strapped a few wheels and a box to your pet ostrich. It can be done, but should it?

Insults: Strategy Six

This is a continuation of the insult blog I began last week. Scroll down to earlier blogs. (I promise I'll learn how to hyperlink soon)

Strategy Six: Answer the fool according to his folly 

Finally the strategy everyone has been waiting for. How gratifying it can be to slight those who slight me. How often I have retorted back to those who mock me. God mocks a proud mocker, and I ridicule all the insecure that wish to aggrandize themselves at my expense. And why not, are they not doing something unjust by slandering my name? Am I not entitled to vengeance: to punish those who hurt me with their spiteful words? 

Unfortunately, for many of us, this is the strategy we mostly use and often in the wrong way, thereby undermining our pursuit of happiness. We retort back words of derision just as fast as we receive it. Or, maybe we respond with gestures of our fingers, awful looks, or even violence. I have seen some pretty brutal fights in my youth over a few words. Such actions disquiet our souls, give power to the insulter/s, and weaken our sense of worth (explained below). Furthermore, all these types of actions are contrary to the love of neighbor, for the intentions of the actions are to direct evil to the person with the hope of gaining some pleasure in seeing them suffer in someway, which belongs to hatred. It is for this reason that I normally advise others and myself to stick to strategies one through five to deal with insults.

However, I do think there are times when it is not only appropriate to respond to a mocker, but one’s duty to do so. But when are these ‘times’? To answer this question, I would like to get a bit more philosophical, for my suspicion is many will not like the restricted times I give for this strategy and simply disregard them by just responding in a willy-nilly fashion.

Because we are social animals by nature (a fact the use and learning of language makes manifest), we come to recognize through our interactions with each other a common human experience. In other words, we see in our fellowman a specific difference of rationality that we ourselves partake in. Such a power manifesting itself in an individuated body reveals a human person rather than simply an object or thing. A thing (with certain restrictions) is something you can use, throw away if need be, sell, buy, disregard, and modify at will, whereas a person by its nature is an end in themselves. People should never be used as a mere means. Their rationality, as communicating through their bodies, reveals a selfhood of infinite value. To mistreat the body is thus to mistreat the person, for the person is revealed by the body.  

This common human experience of personhood revealed by bodies allow, on the one hand, for each of us to know that we are individuated selves: I am not you and you are not me. On the other hand, we know there is an oneness between each of us because once we go beyond all the individual differences we see a common humanity. This common humanity we all sense when we rejoice in human achievements and weep at human failures. Seeing Michael Phillips act like a fish and achieve something no man has ever achieved shows us the greatness of man. Yet, hearing about a mother murdering her daughter, even if not true, reveals the ugliness and depravity of man.

But it is in this simultaneous experience of individuation and oneness that compels us to love each other as ourselves, for when we love ourselves we also love humanity, and since we love humanity we naturally begin to love other individuated humans. Though we might fail often at truly loving others, we still know, perhaps only dimly, that we ought to will the good of other men. Such a willing of the good to the other is just what friendship is in the true sense of the word. True friendship is to see the other/s as an extended self and to long for this extended self to perfect itself into a virtuous human person/s. Vice versa, to will evil upon someone by way of slander is to partake in an act of hatred. Rather than seeing the person as an extended self, you see them as a thing to be degraded, an object to be used for aggrandizement or amusement. But such an insult on a person is also an insult on humanity and, therefore, an insult on yourself.  Thus by hating another person with an insult you are hating yourself.

I hope from the preceding argument you can see the three general principles that will answer the question when are the ‘times’ to respond. As already mentioned, there is never a time when we ought to respond to an insult with a further insult. It should be clear why such an action is weakening our sense of worth, for by hating others we hate ourselves. This is the first principle.

The second principle is we need to respond when it is for the betterment of the person doing the insulting. Thus, if it so happens that this other self is acting contrary to his social nature by being unjust by insulting you, one of the loving acts you can do is to correct them in a way you would want to be corrected. Remember, though, since you are responding to them for their benefit, it is wise to remain silent if you see no hope of the person being apologetic or if a response will provoke further insults (see Proverbs 26:4). 

The third principle is you need to respond if the person doing the insulting will undermine the common good or cause others to stumble. This is most ostensible in the case of the Military: a sergeant cannot let a private undermine his authority through insurrection.  The motivation here is to protect not the one insulting (though you might indirectly do this by punishing him/her) but rather those around him/her.  A boss, a father or mother, a teacher or principle, or any one in a position of power could use this principle to respond to an insult. I would add that I use this principle when responding to people that mock or defame Christianity. In public settings, I feel it is important to respond loving to those who mock the living God for the benefit of on hears.

I would like to close by saying that all three of these principles should be used with in a marriage. Too often in marriage, couples respond vindictively to their spouses’ insults. By first not responding in anger, we show that we truly love them in spite of their hateful language. Secondly, we truly love them by suggesting indirectly that what they say really hurts us (I say indirectly because studies show that couples who use direct confrontation tend to divorce at higher rates (Gottman and Silver 1994)). Thirdly, by lovingly responding to your spouse, you protect the common good of your family if you have kids around or protect friends/family that might be overhearing.   

“Another person will not do you harm unless you wish it; you will be harmed at just that time at which you take yourself to be harmed.” Epictetus

Gottman, J. M. and N. Silver (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail : what you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last. New York, Simon & Schuster.

           

Afraid: A Sunday Devotional

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I live in a time when to be afraid is the fashionable feeling to possess. I am told I need to be afraid of the mass production of crops, meat, and processed foods because they contain chemicals that cause cancer and other unknown health problems. Is it true? I have no I idea, that’s why I’m afraid.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

The other day I was sitting outside with my son. He walked up to me and said

“Look, Daddy.”

As I turned around, I saw a giant bug in between his thumb and index figure.

“A bug,” he said joyously.

Not wanting to seem like a sissy in front of my son, I said,

“OK … why don’t you step on it” in the most confident voice I could muster.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I am told about how bad the economy is doing and how I should be afraid of where our country is going. Already, the politicians are out, the game has begun, and the battle for creating fear in exchange for votes is underway. Is either side right? I have some thoughts, but they’re most likely wrong. Does my opinion really matter? I don’t know, that’s why I am afraid. 

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I am afraid for my kids. Will they have the same opportunities as me? Should I send them to public school or home school them? I don’t think I would be a good teacher. Private school seems to be very costly. What to do? What to do? That’s why I’m afraid.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

Who doesn’t fear their children being hurt? I am bombarded with images from the news about kids being kidnapped. Is there someone lurking behind my house? Do I have to be beside them 24/7? What happened to the “good old days?” Were these just imaginative days? I don’t know? Maybe I should install GSP systems into my children’s legs. Is that legal? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

Have you ever feared your parents breaking up? I have. Maybe your parents are already breaking up. Maybe you are in a break up right now. Terrifying … right? The uncertainty is paralyzing. Will things ever go back to “normal?” While my parents never separated, I remember seeing many of my friends’ parents separate, and that created fear in me. Can you really trust your parents to look out for you? I hope so, but who knows nowadays. Right?

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

Will I make enough money to provide for my family? In don’t know. Who does?

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

Will ‘they’ like me, accept me, and cherish me? I don’t know. Who is the ‘they’ I am so worried about? Why am I so afraid of the general masses?

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I am afraid of failure. Maybe that is why it has taken me so long to start to write blog posts. My older brother has been hounding me for years to speak up, but I’d rather hide in the dark.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, are you afraid? I am afraid.

Jesus the Christ said, “Don’t be afraid, I have risen indeed.”

Are you afraid?

I am not.

Why Be Insulted? Strategies Three Through Five

"What upsets people is not [the insults] themselves but their judgments about [the insults]." Epictetus

Here are strategies three through five on how to handle insults.  Six and Seven will be posted sometime next week. Enjoy and share.

Strategy three: Use humor to prevent insults

I knew a boy (my older brother) who went to first grade with glee. So excited to learn and to play with the plethora of children of all shapes, sizes, and colors. What fun! By the time school ended, the boy was distraught, for he had become the school children’s toy. The boy’s name was Marty, and the children called him Marty-Farty: a most hilarious rhyme, if you ask me. When his father asked Marty-Farty how his day went, the child broke down into tears telling his dad all that transpired. The father, being wise, told his son that all he needed to do to stop people from making fun of him was to make fun of himself. That’s right! It’s really not amusing to make fun of someone who takes more delight in ridiculing himself. The next day, the boy introduced himself as Marty-Farty.

Strategy four: Exaggerate the insult

I had just walked into a room where my wife’s dear friend was standing. She said,

“Hi, Mr. Mom. I like calling you that because you are a stay-at-home Dad.”

I was totally taken off guard. What do I say to that? Knowing that being a stay-at-home Dad is like being a male nurse or flight attendant twenty years ago (Meet the Parents ring a bell?), it immediately brought feelings of defense. Stumbling for a few seconds, I decided to exploit the situation all the greater by talking about my newly diagnosed De Quervain's tenosynovitis (duh-kare-VAHS ten-oh-sine-oh-VIE-tis), which “is a painful inflammation of the tendons on the thumb side of a patient’s wrist,” that many new mom’s get from picking up her babies. I talked about the pain I felt from this mothering injury. I even brought my wife in on the discussion to describe the dysfunction in detail, seeing how she is a Physician Assistant.  My hope was to undermine the insult with a conglomeration of boring facts and outlandish enthusiasm about the role I play as a make-believe mom.

Strategy five: Remain silent

Can you hear the crickets?)